Hamburg is an amazing city. The Harbour, where you see giant container ships from breath-taking proximity. Alstersee, a perfect place to take a leisurely cruise. The Elbphilharmonie, a unique architectural wonder with a great open-air panoramic terrace. The Maritime Museum, Cap San Diego, Rickmer Rickmers, U-434: priceless places for anybody interested in maritime history. The panoramic vistas from St. Michelis and St. Nikolai; the iconic Town Hall with its vast square where, incidentally, you can eat some excellent döner; the sheer spaciousness of the streets and the buildings; the superb metro system.
Yes, it's an amazing city all right. With one exception.
There is only one place in Hamburg not worth visiting. The most crowded, noisy, overrated, overhyped, under-ventilated, suffocating, disease-spreading and fantastically worthless place in the world: Miniatur Wunderland.
The place has its charm, I guess, if you're five years old. But even five-year-olds look bored to death after couple of floors of very much same thing. The parents have eyes glazed with boredom long before that. All walk like zombies. No wonder considering the place. The noise is deafening, the jostling merciless, the floor plan confusing, the constant coughing and sneezing from all and sundry more than a little worrying even if you are quite blasé about infections.
The models are hilarious. Look a little closer and you'll find their fabulous attention to detail is largely spurious. Worse than that, much worse indeed, is the fantasy touch: streets, squares and monuments completely out of context. Talk about wrong topography! I guess that's the "wunder" part of it. It's dreadful. If you've ever been to Rome, the city to end all cities, you'll find the imagination of the model makers especially perverse. Trevi Fountain, looking like a cheap souvenir, right besides Roma Termini; the Coliseum by a Tiber the size of a sewer; the fountains of Piazza Navona in the middle of the street (what the...?!); St Peter's with half of its colonnaded square bitten off...
You name the Roman idiocy, these guys have not only thought of it - brilliant chaps! - but actually realised it.
Don't take my word for it. See for yourselves the Rome that - fortunately - never was.
Do visit Hamburg (and Rome, too!), but if you have the slightest bit of taste - and some regard for you mental and physical health - stay away from this monument of deliberate perversity, Gigantisches Schrottland.
PS. Google took some time censoring a short version of this review. Let us see how long Blogger would take to become the epitome of totalitarianism, too.
No comments:
Post a Comment